special forces on a special day

yep. that would be the two year-old wearing her new special forces cap. suits her.

this girl loves her hats. and bracelets. and barettes. and bags. that's my accessorizing girl. and she didn't learn it from me.

it was truly hilarious to go through the Costco with her in a bright-white ankle-length lace-trimmed April Cornell cotton dress and a black cap that says,

"SPECIAL FORCES:

Mess with the best,

Die like the rest."

it's pretty neat the things they peddle at the Nob Hill/Raley's.

"two two, two two." and now you know how to count to five.

the world is ours to rejoice in. for we know its Creator.
thus comes our haikus of wonderment:

lizards across toes
the crows whom are all our pets
soft donkey muzzles

bright blue plastic ball
mister potatohead hat
sinking pink balloons

nuggets with Page then
shaun the sheep, cousins, grandma,
grandpa on the couch

hearing the news

when i was small—and i mean before 1987 small—a little boy i used to play with in my grandparents' neighborhood died after being struck by a car. (that is one of my least favorite phrases, by the way. "struck by a vehicle" and variants thereof are very ugly words.)
it was unexpected. when i heard of it i was sitting behind our brown recliner with the brass-looking rivets. a friend was over. and i blew it off.
"did you know that kid?"
"yeah," shrugging my shoulders.
what else was i supposed to do? i'd never see him again. was he in hell? did he trust Jesus? i didn't know how to react.
but i was heartbroken.
his name was Paul.
and sometimes i think about his family.
this month is my grandpa's memorial service. he died in his sleep a few weeks ago. a thing we knew would come. expected even. i read it in a text one morning. i didn't know how i'd react to his death. i knew i would see him again by and by.
turns out i smiled. i rejoiced. all i could think of was the wonders he was beholding. seeing clearly. hearing.
Jesus.
but i'm heartbroken.
his name is Roger.
i always think about his family.
and how they just welcomed him home.

yesterday was my birthday

and so i ponder.
besides immediate family (six homes represented) i never get cards.
except my cousin Rebecca. always from my cousin. she gets what i'm just now getting. being acknowldedged for your birthday is huge. it's your one day in a year when folks can say, "i'm glad you're alive," without it sounding super awkward. (okay. it still sounds awkward. but it's warranted.) it takes a bit of forethought and a stamp, but it's way worth the smile at the other end. did i say stamp? yes. because e-cards hardly qualify.
growing up there were something like 37 cousins' birthdays to contend with just on my mom's side. we gathered (wisely) only once a quarter lumping everyone's together. mine was always with Rachel (Rebecca's sister. perhaps ironically.) which was rad since our families were closest anyway. (this happens when your mothers are sisters.)

tim, rachel, rebecca, and me (incidentally after i cut my own bangs. i'm an artist.)

and also if you are awesome.

which is so very obvious from this picture of us in 1982 at the cabin. (sorry sisters. you were not yet.)  you can see our awesomeness clearly. sheer awesomeness. it's radiating off the screen even as you read this. such love. such affection. such a pout from a stong-willed only-child. who could that be...?

anyway, with birthdays three days apart, we had cakes together. opened gifts and cards together. then played with our presents together. hopefully the presents weren't lame. they rarely were. our uncles, aunts and grandparents were good gift-pickers. you can imagine why these gatherings went the way of the dinosaur. just think of the budgeting required to buy 37 gifts a year for snot-nosed children.

which brings me to my second point. why have birthday parties and cake become perfunctory obligations to be ignored? 

sadness.

just because we're adults? don't we enjoy cake just as much? even while feigning a weight-loss diet, do we not ditch it for birthday cake?

lame.
this culture needs a birthday revolution. let it start with me.
happy birthday Rachel! your card will be terribly late.

one thursday morning

written on my cell at  0400 hours...

life. the series of odd and seemngly unrelated visions.

a french-braided ER nurse with a pink scrunchy.

bryan singing the theme song to married with children.

a moaning obese woman with her gown wide open.

a bubbly x-ray tech with hari reminiscent of a painter of happy little clouds.

princess patient stickers.

the codeine glaze of my child's eyes.

and the blessing of the discharge.

i used to play the piano

which is interesting. but only if you have known me a short while.
i took lessons preschool into high school. i even have a cassette tape of me accompanying my mom singing sandi patti. (pause/silence for a bygone era of quality synthesizer music.)
i used to be rather good. now i forget how to read the notes below the lines. have a hard time hitting each note of a chord at the same time. my fingers forget where they are. and here i am trying to remember how to place my fingers just so to play a run of fifths.
i'm rusty.
whenever i see my grandpa, he asks if i still play. no.
clearly disappointed in me he asks, why?
well, it has a lot to do with the fact i live in an apartment in a county with a high number of individuals toting guns.
and also, somewhere along my history, it started to hurt. so slowly, i played less and less.
not that i ever dreamed it would bring me somewhere. or make me money. or solely fulfill my need for the arts. but it was nice to do. therapeutic somehow.
a gift given to me by my parents. lessons and a piano. do you have any idea what sort of sacrifice it entails having someone learn how to play an instrument in your home? a huge one. at times i was so irritated with practice. with teachers. with the time i had to spend. but they knew better. and it's a grace to me that i can sit down and play what i like. that with practice i could sound good. could. if i wanted to.
by the way, hiromi uehara is my hero. what?! you haven't heard of her? uncultured swine. :)
(if you don't have the patience to watch the whole video, go directly to 2:00. you will not be disappointed.)

she makes a queue o' wee folk

a dream i had

okay, so in this super-rough sketch of mine, where proportions and perpective are a thing of disregard and shading has gone the way of the dinosaur...
my cousin, rachel (of ridiculously beautiful ayrshire, uk) and i are playing wii. everyone was wearing white choir robes. isn't that obvious? except she. she was normal. stylin' even. don't take my color pallete's word for it. seriously. i have limited drab-colored pencils to work with.
we're in a an old folks home. i tried to recreate this ambiance with said drab colors. again... obvious. we're not old. everyone else is. but we fit right in, of course. and are playing on an ancient television. the kind that they tried to make look like furniture?
our grandparents had one like this for a long time. it was sweet. and sort of more like a stocky refrigerator than anything high tech. it was brown. and smelled weird.
the old folks were cleaning my clock at wii. and rachel was laughing hysterically at me. isn't that obvious from her facial expression?
dreams are weird, yes? this goes without saying. and so often i can determine why certain features are in my dream. like what i ate, who i was thinking of, what movie i saw on hulu. but this one was way random. and worth sharing.

left is ridiculous ayrshire. by glasgow. heard of it? i know. it's like she's famous. 

it's like they say...

before you have a kid people tell you all this stuff about how it will be when you have one. some of it's true. some of it isn't.
the following is true for us. because God blessed us with this one. one He knew before she was created. to be our love and joy. this little one. for His lovingkindness is everlasting.

this little one is precious.

she's very chill.

makes great faces.

gives joy and affection.

is a true and beautiful gift.

and is a year old.

O LORD, our Lord,
       how majestic is your name in all the earth!
       You have set your glory
       above the heavens.
 From the lips of children and infants
       you have ordained praise...

our benefactor, kerosene

for weeks we've looked forward to staying at the cabin. think quaint town, lower sierras, fresh pine, creaky and clean old cabin, snow, coldness, donner party...

(okay. maybe not the last one. that was more I-80ish. and this is more 108 on the way to yosemite-ish.)

so vacation is granted. bags packed. food prepared. chains purchased ("we are so going to return these").

up the highway, by way uncle and aunt and cousins and great g-rents, it starts to snow. significantly.

bonus: no chain control til just past our turn off. so we crawl our way to town. really coming down now. wet snow. thickly.

the trick is to make it up the last hill to the cabin. the hill on which three small children are tempting the fates versus an old jeep grand cherokee with balding snow tires. (rolling of eyes, slow shaking of the head.) good thing six inches of snow is softer than asphalt.

we make it. no children maimed. turned on the cabin propane heater. donned chains (it was getting rather hairy). made it to the store. overheard: "half the county is without power..." upon walking out with groceries... all went dark. well. in the store. there is nothing dark about night in the snow.

wasn't. pg&e says lights out for three days.

hm.

this will temporary, i'm sure.

i say, all my food must be cooked and the stove is electric. dangit.

quiet night. kerosene lamps. fume headaches.

warm loft. cold milk and snacks from front porch refrigerator.

quiet night. dad and daughter enjoy the warm fire. warm glow to rock baby by. mesmerizing flames distract sleeping.

daylight. exhaustion. pack-up. no chains on for snow bank drama. (same children tempt fates... this time on our way down. clearly they got smarter over the night?) thanks again for the nor'easter shovel, dad. coffee and donut.

beautiful drive down the mountain.

visit with bryan's fam.

next time we'll be more prepared...

bbq equipment and more lanterns.

camping stove and dehydrated grub.

generator and batteries.

here's the young one's view of the drive:

they meet

great grandma meets the little one...

there are three

last friday night was fun.
fun in the i'm-glad-this-pregnancy-thing-is-finally-over-but-i'm-not-sure-about-the-pain-level, sense.
suffice it to say the 30 minute drive south in a jeep in need of new shocks on a construction-hacked interstate 5 going 80 miles and hour while in transition was one of the most interesting moments of my life. the good news? i had no idea what was going on. the bad news? the nurse checking me in was skeptical about the stage of my labor. please stand on this scale (?!). please pee in this cup (?!). please place this glam tube top over yr belly (?! uh. no. i refuse.) i guess first time moms generally overreact? didn't have time to.
but really. i was fine. i felt much better than in the jeep. in fact. the contractions were quite doable by then.
oh. that's because i'm done. as in. get this girl into the l&d room now.
so much for the midwife. the birthing tub (rather filthy sounding, yes?). the 3 to 5 minute contractions lasting over a minute for an hour (the classic 3-1-1 was not heeded in any way.) the doctor. calling anyone but mom. time to get a handle on things in general.
very soon after i had a warm wet baby girl on my tummy. she smelled nice. and looked happy to be out.
nuts.
just nuts.
God is so good. we are so in love.

au naturale

apparently it is very rare in these moderno times to birth a child w/o the aide of chemicals. val had a nurse who had 35 years of experience in l&d and this was the first time she had seen any women birth w/o drugs. no way... i think that's nuts.
and 8.2 oz ain't no thing. go val!
i don't think i've ever been so anxious as i was in that stupid waiting room. in less than 4 hours of labor, little isabella was born. super healthy. super alert. praise the Lord!

chi-wow-a-wow-a... anyone want a beast?

okay. my sister and i were talking about her huge st. bernard who's rescue-agency bound. in other words...
her dog eats cats.
when i told my loving husband about the tragedy, he, in his undying compassion and sensitivity to all living things, laughed hysterically.
dogs are hunters, i guess.
in calvin's defense, he was being taunted daily by the neighborhood feral cat clan. he was locked in his house while his family worked and the cats did like, mocking mean dances to make him furious.
we knew it was only a matter of time when while he went pee he would do a mean dance with his teeth on one of the feline offenders.
so my sis and her husband are trying to give him to a rescue thingy that places st. bernards with people who want to them. the hopeful applicants bring whatever dogs they happen to own with them to meet the adoptee. my question is, what if they bring a chihuahua? they are very cat-like. what if calvin gets confused? the beady eyes, the pointy ears, the small rat-like stature...

he might eat the little booger.

football season rocks

i've never heard of such a crazy game as the dallas v. buffalo monday night shenanigan today. that kick at :02 was unbelievable. the downcast bills fans were a funny sight to see. 'cause football is soooooo important to life as we know it. oh man. how many souls did i just infuriate with that?
been about a year since we've had a tv. don't miss it. though it has entertainment value. but not for the reason you think.
it's fun because my dad's comments on the espn commentators is way more entertaining than i had ever anticipated. apparently they talk more about nothing than football. i don't know how many consecutive downs we watched w/o hearing a thing about what was going on on the screen. though ever-gracious, my dad doesn't really appreciate that so much. and that's true entertainment.

gather together

i think i would’ve made a good gatherer. as in, hunters and gatherers. i’m very content crouching in the grass picking acorns out of sod so they don’t hack around in the lawnmower.
and because they look cool when you shine them. like tree jewels.

i think my sister would’ve made a great gatherer to. though of a different nature. a smellier nature. i mean, she does make a good gatherer. even if she cheats and uses a shovel. and if ruby had anything to say about it ("woof") she'd be gathering all the time.

again, maybe i’m in the wrong career. or country. or people group. or century. picking berries and cooking outdoors in earthen pots and sleeping under the skies in handmade clothing of pelts and skins... maybe mukluks... maybe hating the white man in his white birds of the sea arriving to exploit my neighboring seal cove.

clearly I’m reading too many american history books about 18th century alaska.

the g-rents visit

filming the holiday

what words can't say...

measure twice, cut once

while in Cali this last week, the youngest sis and i endeavored upon a whirlwind quilt. she had been pondering this avenue of creativity, and jo-anns, a not so great fabric shop, had a very great sale.

so we purchased.
we designed.
we measured.
we rotaried.
we should've measured again.
we compensated for error.
"i thought you were supposed to be my mentor, jess." "yes, and i'm mentoring you on how to redeem yrself when you don't measure twice before you cut once."
we redesigned.
we ironed.
we seam-ripped.
we sewed.
we smoothed.
we aligned.
we safety pinned.
we quilted.
i left at this point. i'm waiting on a pix of the finished product. here's a bit of the focus fabric. it should be incredible.

las palabras

just so you know... i did not win this round. actually. if i were to be completely honest with myself and the world around me...
i didn't win any rounds this weekend. four days with my mom playing scrabble. four day losing to my mom playing scrabble. at least she didn't score any stupid bingos. you know, the ones where you use all yr letters? yeah, i'm not sure how those are done, either. though i've seen it cause my demise time and time, again. she's not lettin' on, either.
and yes. guano was mine. it means bird poo.

schauen wir verrückt? ich denke Nr.

what is so brilliant about this is that we are so sun-kissed. a funny thing to see when currently there is snow everywhere and ice to slide in when one drives.