theme for august

stardate 08062014
Siren wails weave their way through town.
The cringe of anticipation as they approach.
Someone's having a much worse day than me.
Hoot-hoot of the train behind the ladies sharing their struggles and victories at the metal table next to me. With aviators and precise pedicures. One looks like Owen Wilson.
Clanks of mugs on saucers from the collared shirt man chatting with the bearded one with a rainbowed sleeve.
Will there be tattoos in heaven?
Engines noises behind me sliding by and orchestrated intervals.

this ivy is confused. i blame the drought.

I realize. I have not given this day to God. A sobering, even harrowing thing.
It's been a few days since I started with Your will be done in my head.
Blech. What a terrible waste.
Redeemer of souls. 
And Redeemer of time.

weak sauce

stardate 08102011

i just read the pentateuch through. (as in, Genesis through Deutoronomy.) then Joshua. very good stuff. i thoroughly enjoyed it.

then i read Judges.

sick. shocking. and super disturbing.
dis-turb-ing.
i will not meditate or even think about some of the stories in that book. at one point, i had to have psalms read to me to wash the imagery out of my head.
(my new least favorite character in the old testament is Jephthath. after reading the account of his life i pretty much hate his guts. the who's who of who not to invite if you want me at your party.)
i get it though. Israel was entrusted with the very words of God. and then messed up. big time.
don't we all? over and over and over...

dirty, dirty Judges. it shows the sheer filth of life without the fear of God. times ten spajillion since it was most the nation of Israel. let me just try, having just read it once through, to stab, in no particular order, at some themes here:

• doing whatever you want doesn't work out so great
• God uses some seriously crooked and confused people to accomplish His purposes
• a group of people need leadership
• it is helpful if leaders aren't of moral weak sauce
• being left-handed can be quite a tactical advantage
• women can be vicious and awful 4:21; 14:16-17; 16:15-16;
• men can be stupid and violent 8:27; 11:35,39; 19:25-27
• God intervenes in the gnarliest of times
• He really means what He says so you better do so

then i remembered a verse that sums it up real nice-like:

"All day long I have held out my hands to an obstinate people,

who walk in ways not good,

pursuing their own imaginations—

a people who continually provoke me to my very face..."

Isaiah 65:2-3a

by His grace, i hope i may never be counted among those. who provoke.

yikes.

hearing the news

when i was small—and i mean before 1987 small—a little boy i used to play with in my grandparents' neighborhood died after being struck by a car. (that is one of my least favorite phrases, by the way. "struck by a vehicle" and variants thereof are very ugly words.)
it was unexpected. when i heard of it i was sitting behind our brown recliner with the brass-looking rivets. a friend was over. and i blew it off.
"did you know that kid?"
"yeah," shrugging my shoulders.
what else was i supposed to do? i'd never see him again. was he in hell? did he trust Jesus? i didn't know how to react.
but i was heartbroken.
his name was Paul.
and sometimes i think about his family.
this month is my grandpa's memorial service. he died in his sleep a few weeks ago. a thing we knew would come. expected even. i read it in a text one morning. i didn't know how i'd react to his death. i knew i would see him again by and by.
turns out i smiled. i rejoiced. all i could think of was the wonders he was beholding. seeing clearly. hearing.
Jesus.
but i'm heartbroken.
his name is Roger.
i always think about his family.
and how they just welcomed him home.

the quag and a thing i know

there's a thing i know that sustains me through times of upheaval.
God loves loves loves His bride. hear that? He adores the church.
did He not give Himself up for her? Wayne Grudem writes, "So great is God's plan for the church that He has exalted Christ to a postion of highest authority for the sake of the church..." Whaaa??

wow. chew on that for a minute.
or month.
them that mess with those whom the Lord of the heavenly armies loves are fools. destined for the smite-age even. (smittage. smitage. whatev.) nuh-uh not i. (none of those three lines are sentences. i know.)
i once heard a professor tell a good story to illustrate this. he was an elder of a church. the church leadership was given clear direction by God to take a bold step of faith. all the elders were of one mind and excited to move forward. except one crotchedy old fart who'd been there forever and had hardened his heart. the other elders pled and conversed with this dude but he wouldn't budge. they then prayed that any hindrance to God's plan be removed.
the old man died the next day.
true story. they moved forward and saw God's sweeping hand bless their socks off.
i'm telling you, don't mess with His bride. it's not the road to simple living--simple in the how-not-to-get-rebuked-by-God-in-ways-more-creative-than-you-can-possibly-imagine sense of the word.

a quarter score and two weeks ago

i have been blogging (rather inconsistently) for five years ago. the first picture posted was of my cat in my apartment. i certainly do not have a cat now. this is us in front of our apartment now.

still rainy, but in a different way. redding, california cannot claim vancouver, washington's epic rainfall count. bryan's nose still has an oakley sunburn line. people in the pacific northwest go to tanning salons to acquire this effect in december. here, you just work outside for a day.
the third entry of this blog is about us visiting redding. now we live there. here. whatever.
in five years i've finally realized a truth about people: most are nuts.
really?
this comes as a shock.
we just got our fourth round of neighbors in the unit behind us. within 48 hours they fulfilled the quota: swearing, screaming, threatening, throwing things, slamming doors, and general domestic dispute-age. why i've been surprised at this every time comes from a gross ignorance i've now officially nullified.
people are nuts.
duh.
we don't fight like that in our family. i've never lived in a home where cussing each other out or whooping on someone is a matter of course. but apparently, brawling with the folks you live with is commonplace.
Nearly three out of four (74%) of Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence. 30% of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband or boyfriend in the past year. 
gross.
thank you Jesus for a sweet family. this is ever-gracious of You.

i used to play the piano

which is interesting. but only if you have known me a short while.
i took lessons preschool into high school. i even have a cassette tape of me accompanying my mom singing sandi patti. (pause/silence for a bygone era of quality synthesizer music.)
i used to be rather good. now i forget how to read the notes below the lines. have a hard time hitting each note of a chord at the same time. my fingers forget where they are. and here i am trying to remember how to place my fingers just so to play a run of fifths.
i'm rusty.
whenever i see my grandpa, he asks if i still play. no.
clearly disappointed in me he asks, why?
well, it has a lot to do with the fact i live in an apartment in a county with a high number of individuals toting guns.
and also, somewhere along my history, it started to hurt. so slowly, i played less and less.
not that i ever dreamed it would bring me somewhere. or make me money. or solely fulfill my need for the arts. but it was nice to do. therapeutic somehow.
a gift given to me by my parents. lessons and a piano. do you have any idea what sort of sacrifice it entails having someone learn how to play an instrument in your home? a huge one. at times i was so irritated with practice. with teachers. with the time i had to spend. but they knew better. and it's a grace to me that i can sit down and play what i like. that with practice i could sound good. could. if i wanted to.
by the way, hiromi uehara is my hero. what?! you haven't heard of her? uncultured swine. :)
(if you don't have the patience to watch the whole video, go directly to 2:00. you will not be disappointed.)

it's like they say...

before you have a kid people tell you all this stuff about how it will be when you have one. some of it's true. some of it isn't.
the following is true for us. because God blessed us with this one. one He knew before she was created. to be our love and joy. this little one. for His lovingkindness is everlasting.

this little one is precious.

she's very chill.

makes great faces.

gives joy and affection.

is a true and beautiful gift.

and is a year old.

O LORD, our Lord,
       how majestic is your name in all the earth!
       You have set your glory
       above the heavens.
 From the lips of children and infants
       you have ordained praise...

shotgun

i've been working on a quilt. and when i say working, i mean, sometimes i pick up the hoop and hand quilt for 30 minutes. it's supposed to be for the small one's first birthday.
it's looking more and more like a christmas present.
i'm learning to set reasonable goals.
i'm learning that i truly do not know what it means to set reasonable goals.
so i grace it.
for you see, often my mind races so. the creative thoughts ignite and explode all over my brain. their intensity is overbearing. and there's no telling what, if anything, will control the choke. sometimes it's like the improved modified to extra full and i don't know how to control the pattern. we're talking grouping of pellets at a given yardage. we're talking crafty ideas and thoughts. we're talking, grab some graph paper and get sketching. dump out the fabric stash and get scheming.
where do goals fit in here? they don't. save one: don't start it if you aren't going to finish it. (or afford it.)
it's a hard one to respect. because of the shotgun effect. but i'm getting better. and my sketchbook fuller.
and someday, maybe i'll be more of a doer. but for now, i'm mostly a schemer. something this world needs anyway.
i hope.

my summer education part 1

reading non-fiction this summer. if it's been published in the last five years. why? i want to look smart. no! i'm trying to stay (become?) current, okay?

i just finished my first summer read. the art of eating in by cathy erway.
sum up: young girl living in manhattan swears off eating in restaurants for two years and learns about cooking and eating and sustainability and local foodie cults and where food comes from.
a classic hippy read.
moral of the story: if people without God can be respectful of the earth's resources and conscientious-er of what goes in their mouths, why can't i?
the concept stems from what i've been reading in luke.  

If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? 

Even sinners love those who love them!  

And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? 

Even sinners do that much! 

And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? 

Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return.

exactly. follow? i'll elucidate: if "sinners" can treat God's green and blue earth with honor, why am his children not the example? others do it to save the earth, thwart global warming, or pay homage to their mother-god the earth. can't i do it because i personally know the one who spun the globe into orbit in the first place?
ah stewardship. every popsicle stick, broccoli stem, and steering column came from something in the dirt. it cost something something. and one can't go shoving the cells back into their original form to make it all better by some twisted reverse reincarnation. when it's spent, it has to be tossed somewhere. there are no cosmic disappearing bins o' trash to hold our discarded stuff. so we best take care the first time around.
grace angle: i will refrain from going berkeley on everyone. but i am going to eat and use things with the knowledge that it's by God's grace that it's given. and not take more than i need.
that's the sort of minimalism i can get into.

fibro blog

this entry is for you. because chances are, if you're a human, you know someone who has fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome. (both are very similar. in fm, the pain is more pronounced, in cfs, the fatigue is.) their life is a journey of realization and acceptance. of what one can and cannot do. should and shouldn't try. what once was possible, but now impossible.
all because of how it would make them feel.

i’m realizing i spend much of my subconscious energy wishing i felt better. rather hedonistic.
wishing there was an escape from the dull pain throughout my body. a fix for fatigue. i also realize this is the mentality of a drug addict. now there’s a new perspective. can’t judge. i understand the need, the desire to be without. though not at the expense of others and one’s own body. well maybe the latter is understandable, albeit not commendable.
what a waste of thoughts.
been reading about the work of deception in our lives. i’ve been working through it slowly (it’s a brain bender) and it’s making me sharper about recognizing the lies. catching incorrect thinking. like the aforementioned. does it really matter if i don’t feel good? really?
pain and suffering don’t have good synonyms. (let me know if i’m wrong on this.) which is a shame. cause i’m especially done with hearing the word “pain” in my head. “hurt” is emotional in my mind. so that won’t do. (plus, phonetically, it leaves much wanting. i don’t think i like any words with a “bossy ‘r’”.) anyway, the difference between p & s is that the latter has no end in sight. a hopelessness is attributed. i refuse to be hopeless! i rebuke it. fight it. feel it. am plagued by it. and then weariness turns my thoughts to mush. (there's an actual term for this: fibrofog. ridiculous sounding. but scarily accurate.)

the conclusion? it has something to do with the facts: a. Christ cares for me in a way i can't describe, but fully rely on. b. His grace really is sufficient. if i'd pay attention to it. and c. it doesn’t NOT matter what i’m feeling. it matters how i respond. i can’t wish pain away. i can waste away wishing. it’s really insignificant in the scheme of God’s great world aside from the goal—of somehow reflecting the Lord’s glory, “being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory…” which is…
… pretty significant.
p.s. i used to think i needed a therapy dog, but now i’m sure i don’t. i have a therapy daughter. inexpressibly better. like i said. grace.

psalm 139 elucidated

when God said He knit us together in the womb, He was not messing around. the sheer amazingness of this feat has just increased four fold. 

enter the dragon. 

knits.

sewing with knits is a beast. and 5 minutes into this project there was a little voice of reason that said to me: yr outta yr league. of course i didn’t listen. i didn’t listen to the quilt lady who insisted i needed a serger, and i didn’t listen to the little voice in my head that insisted i needed a serger. shoulda. but didn't. 

i put my machine’s overlock and stretch stitch to the test. but ended up cussing and fusing everything together with melty tape that makes seams like magic with the press of a blazing iron. did the knit gods win? no. did i win? no. look at the pictures. the beanie was made by hand. the first attempt at reusing my materials. but that was months ago. the blue dress is the final product. no zooming in please. yikes. the extra stitches in the top are where i misfired the machine. apparently when working with recycled organic cotton, the stitches tear the fabric? i like to think Royal Robbins would be proud of my recycling ways. dashed as the efforts were.

so, God is amazing. He didn't like, mess up royally with the dna and have the second round of dogs sprout wings. or mess up the thermostat and facilitate the freezing of our brain juices when the sun goes down. (though there is a frog that lives on the tundra in alaska and literally freezes until the spring. take that darwin! wild.)
He could have let this sin thing Adam embraced really twist us up so everyone couldn't walk, or laugh, or enjoy coffee.
but He didn't. and i'm grateful. grace all around my friends. 

this week

sometimes the road isn't paved. it's more of a logging road, labeled only with numbers, with ruts you're not sure your jeep's differential will clear. it's been raining. a lot. when you turn it's more like swirving, slurring and sliding.
there's no one else out there but squirrels and sleeping owls. you don't have a come-along or winch anyway. oh, and your tires are bald. illegal, even.
okay God, I know you have me out here for some reason. but i think right now i'm tired of this challenge. i could use some help (read encouragement). cause the trees are tall, the road is rough, the needle's on empty, it's dark, the rain won't let up, and i can't see for all the things You're trying to show me.
so he cracks the clouds and shows you some sun. warm sun that somehow energizes you for the next click or so of challenges. the sigh of relief is audible.
the exact grace you needed for that moment. there in that ray of sun: sometimes it's a sister, a truth from His word, a mom, sometimes it's the lady from raley's, sometimes it's an armenian.

Behold, the LORD'S hand is not so short
That it cannot save;
Nor is His ear so dull
That it cannot hear.
Isaiah 59:1

in the mail...

to whomever wanted to bless the socks off my husband... you succeeded. just joining us? here's the story...

for many months now bryan's been very vocal about the gear he wants:

a hardshell. goretex. taped seams. "general awesomeness." in other words... the arcteryx theta ar.

great honey. when i have 350 spare bucks, i'll totally do that for you.

oh and a wool base layer. to keep away the stink under the theta ar while scaling the heights of... rainer, shasta, adams, whichever i choose.

so in an anonymous package (someone has a very sick sense of humor. which we adore.) is the aforementioned items. oh the joy. we were smiling for an hour straight. the gift i wanted to give him but couldn't. thank you, Jesus. (and whoever let Him move through them.) happy birthday.

the only improvement would be a wintery mix background. we'll see about that in a few weeks. sierra nevadas hoooooooooo!

An email asked me...

...if you died tomorrow, what would you want people to learn from your life?
If I died tomorrow I'd want people to learn joy from my life.
Joy in crisp wind, choppy water, dive bombing mocking birds, the way golden retrievers' hair looks like silken waves when they chase a frisbee, the warmth of a smokey ill-built fire, hot press-pot coffee from ethiopia when waking up cramped and sore after a night under the stars, seeing children's faces light up when they learn about how the nine times table works, their dropped jaw as a raven steals from a killdeer's nest, beavers floating in a half-frozen pond, the knowledge that someone has just met Jesus and have fallen at His feet is adoration, discussion about theology and how it's not a task only of ancient pedagogy to be thus dismissed, friends in far places that remember to write, red-winged black birds kareeking to each other among the cattails, knitting a warm hat for a little one to keep her ears warm, the touch and sight of natural textiles, the slubbiness of linen, the softness of alpaca, the strength of cotton, the smallest things like a nutchatch walking upside down on a tree, how themes are woven into novels, how butter makes things taste better, clothes that do things like insulate, wick moisture or keep rain out while not making you overheat, cars that don't break down, warm fresh-baked whole wheat bread, unconditional love, quirkiness, God being bigger than all your fears, truth, and hymns from scripture:

I know not why God's wondrous grace
To me He hath made known,
Not why, unworthy, Christ in love,
Redeemed me for His own.
But "I know whom I have believed
And am persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I've committed
Unto Him against that day."
~Daniel Whittle

it called for polyethylene

i think maybe we've taken this whole radah thing overboard. radah as in hebrew to rule, have dominion over...pertaining to our relationship with the fish of the sea, the birds of the heavens, the cattle, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. (wow am i glad NASB went modern in '95).
ruling, my eye. we're dominion/ruling them into the ground.
my dad and i watched this report on wired science about plastic in the ocean. something about nearly 46,000 pieces of plastic per square mile of ocean? "ew" doesn't begin to describe that.
where is all this crap coming from? why are we hating on the animals? it's disturbing to look at the pictures (below), don't you think?
where do i fit in w/ all of this? i'm not wanting to be the preachy activist. my heart hurts, though, to think how we've junked the earth God made.

perspective: it's an issue of value. like whole wheat bagels vs. iceberg lettuce. which is gonna substantially satisfy you with it's sumptious substance? delicious complex carbs or low calorie dirt-tasting water-food? lettuce is crunchy and pretty, but my buck's on the bread everytime.
God loves His children way more than animals. His kids please Him.

the LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. zeph 3.17

anyway, i'm thinkin' He's got a serious-genius-stealthy plan to make things right and nail the chumps that carelessly trashed His creation.
and i'm here to shmear grace on everyone i can reach w/ a spatula.

...consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that he creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. rom 3.18...

commit & trust, delight & rest

these are the words sent to me recently by a dear friend. pretty much sums up life.
here we wait oh so patiently for the plane. and off we went to oahu.
first class there and coach on the return. but we still felt like winners. it's strange telling people we went to the island.
"yes. we have trouble paying rent. yes. we also went to the ko'olina resort on the southwest side of oahu for 7 days."
that doesn't jive so much. but then, when does God's grace ever jive with our pathetic self-strivings? jive schmive.

en la parada de autobús

"Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." John 7:38
this weekend i quasi-boasted about loving to talk to strangers. i am, after all, my grandfather's granddaughter and my mother's daughter.
driving home from a "tea luncheon" (isn't women's ministry funny?) i saw an elderly woman in a bright and very pink coat sitting at a bus stop. did i mention i could see her lipstick shade from my peripheral vision going 30mph? i turned my head to get another glance. i was intrigued.
God: you say you like talking to strangers? why don't you go talk to her?
Jess: what? are you serious?
God: see if she knows Jesus
(it's just like God to not answer when the questions are stupid... and sorry kids, whatever yr teacher told you, this teacher is going to tell you truth it's high time you knew: there is such a thing as a stupid question. i think i just proved that quite effectively.)
Jess: i'm losing my mind
but i figure, i've been hurting lately and people who don't know Jesus hurt all the time, so maybe i can minister to the pink lady somehow.
i make a u-dog.
Jess: maybe the bus is gone... that would be great
God: look
Jess: yeah... didn't think so
the strange thing? how easy it was.
the bummer thing?
i couldn't remember where the verse about the inerrancy of scripture was
the amazing thing?
i got the gospel to her right before the squeaking brakes pulled c-tran to a stop
the motivating thing?
couldn't remember the brilliant verse 1 Cor 15:3-4:
For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance:
that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that He was buried, that He was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures...
He's gracious, though. gotta do my homework so i can do that whole being ready with an answer deally.

la cosa que ahorra, sostiene

the thing that saves, sustains.
matchless grace. grace without matching.
that God would bestow the gift of life upon me and then pour blessings upon me on top and brimming and over and above even that.
romans 8 is starting to make a lot more sense to me. this is good, since it is about living by the Spirit. the highest and noblest of callings.
who or what can be against me? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?... who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall trouble or hardship...?
He gives all good things. every good and perfect gift is from above coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights... comfort. joy.
what do the lost do without Him? my heart hurts to conjecture. a dark and scary place. it's a wonder to me the suicide rate isn't profoundly higher. tell them! Christ's love compels. tell them!

Wonderful grace of Jesus,
Greater than all my sin;
How shall my tongue describe it,
Where shall its praise begin?
Taking away my burden,
Setting my spirit free;
For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Wonderful the matchless grace of Jesus,
Deeper than the mighty rolling sea;
Wonderful grace, all sufficient for me, for even me.
Broader than the scope of my transgressions,
Greater far than all my sin and shame,
O magnify the precious Name of Jesus.
Praise His Name!