this week

sometimes the road isn't paved. it's more of a logging road, labeled only with numbers, with ruts you're not sure your jeep's differential will clear. it's been raining. a lot. when you turn it's more like swirving, slurring and sliding.
there's no one else out there but squirrels and sleeping owls. you don't have a come-along or winch anyway. oh, and your tires are bald. illegal, even.
okay God, I know you have me out here for some reason. but i think right now i'm tired of this challenge. i could use some help (read encouragement). cause the trees are tall, the road is rough, the needle's on empty, it's dark, the rain won't let up, and i can't see for all the things You're trying to show me.
so he cracks the clouds and shows you some sun. warm sun that somehow energizes you for the next click or so of challenges. the sigh of relief is audible.
the exact grace you needed for that moment. there in that ray of sun: sometimes it's a sister, a truth from His word, a mom, sometimes it's the lady from raley's, sometimes it's an armenian.

Behold, the LORD'S hand is not so short
That it cannot save;
Nor is His ear so dull
That it cannot hear.
Isaiah 59:1

thoughts for 2009

• the insulation in my bathroom has an R value (and i'm just estimating here) of negative 3
• i've flossed everyday since after christmas. well. almost everyday.
• so again, why are we in afghanistan?
• breastfeeding does not make one lose weight.
• calculus can be fun. not to me, but i've seen it.
• if someone lives in an apartment juxtapositioned to 3 other families' apartments, you should not buy that someone a drum kit.
• common sense is a misnomer. it is not common.
• debt is bad.
• the scariness of telling people about Jesus is in yr mind.
• monkeys are gross.

our benefactor, kerosene

for weeks we've looked forward to staying at the cabin. think quaint town, lower sierras, fresh pine, creaky and clean old cabin, snow, coldness, donner party...

(okay. maybe not the last one. that was more I-80ish. and this is more 108 on the way to yosemite-ish.)

so vacation is granted. bags packed. food prepared. chains purchased ("we are so going to return these").

up the highway, by way uncle and aunt and cousins and great g-rents, it starts to snow. significantly.

bonus: no chain control til just past our turn off. so we crawl our way to town. really coming down now. wet snow. thickly.

the trick is to make it up the last hill to the cabin. the hill on which three small children are tempting the fates versus an old jeep grand cherokee with balding snow tires. (rolling of eyes, slow shaking of the head.) good thing six inches of snow is softer than asphalt.

we make it. no children maimed. turned on the cabin propane heater. donned chains (it was getting rather hairy). made it to the store. overheard: "half the county is without power..." upon walking out with groceries... all went dark. well. in the store. there is nothing dark about night in the snow.

wasn't. pg&e says lights out for three days.

hm.

this will temporary, i'm sure.

i say, all my food must be cooked and the stove is electric. dangit.

quiet night. kerosene lamps. fume headaches.

warm loft. cold milk and snacks from front porch refrigerator.

quiet night. dad and daughter enjoy the warm fire. warm glow to rock baby by. mesmerizing flames distract sleeping.

daylight. exhaustion. pack-up. no chains on for snow bank drama. (same children tempt fates... this time on our way down. clearly they got smarter over the night?) thanks again for the nor'easter shovel, dad. coffee and donut.

beautiful drive down the mountain.

visit with bryan's fam.

next time we'll be more prepared...

bbq equipment and more lanterns.

camping stove and dehydrated grub.

generator and batteries.

here's the young one's view of the drive:

voice log stardate 01172010

driving the 217 miles to my sisters new condo, i needed to relieve some stress accruing from the horrendous drive. yes. accruing. like debt in the form of an over-priced high interest government loan that they refuse allow consolidation on and thus grows with prime plus who-knows-what while on deferment due to lack of income... but more on that another time.

it was way too dangerous on I-80, so when i got to walnut creek (the home stretch) i hit record on my phone. the following is a transcript of that monologue. among other things, what to learn from this is... i need to pay attention to my tenses, and i use 'really' and 'actually' and 'and' too much in my speech.

unedited:

"alright, this is entitled diamonds are not forever. and it really only applies to the people who drive to the [dirty] bay area.

and i had to practice my bradley birthing method breathing in order to not cry after hydroplaning. and even though the diamond lane is right next to the divider, and i'd rather run into a concrete divider than another car, um... hydroplaning is like one of the most frightening experiences when you're going 70 miles an hour. especially on 680 were people are psychotic anyway and drive like a bunch of idiots.

there's a reason why people, especially on I-80, [the diamond lane is] completely abandoned. i'm like, 'why aren't people driving on this?'

oh and when everyone else is braking in front of you, you should go ahead and brake as well, cause it means there's two inches of standing water in the freeway.

so i'm very thankful for the angels of I-5, 505 and 680.

this is crazy. it's some of the worst stuff i've ever driven through. ever. visibility is so poor i can't even read the street signs. it's a really good thing i know this road and i've driven it hundreds of times.

it's not a good thing that i'm in a toyota corolla. i don't even know how old these tires are. i don't think it matters.

and i will... [unintelligible (even to me and it's my voice and i was there. lol.)]... and there is no way i'm getting back on this freeway. as soon as i recognize a sign taking back roads to san ramon, i'm gonna do it.

plus i have to pee. really bad. but there were a few times on 505 where i really needed that coffee.

granted, people are being really cautious, which is nice. and i followed this honda civic forever on I-80 until they decided to go into the second lane, which i'm just not willing to do.

the wind is so bad--it's not so bad here on 680, which is strange--it's really bad in Maxwell area.

ah, lovorna road, praise the- oh... water... [clunk] oh... ah... i hope i didn't just break a tire. this road sucks man, they really need to pave this. there's like a huge dent in the road just filled with water. the only reason i knew about it was the huge van in front of me actually slowed down. i think he's gonna be my partner for the rest of the time here."

this doesn't even begin to illustrate how nasty it was. and no. i didn't look through the view finder. i could do this stuff blind. and notice there's no one around me. come on. i'm not that stupid.

[as freedom is a breakfastfood]

from the coolest website ever, the poetry foundation's.

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

as freedom is a breakfastfood

or truth can live with right and wrong

or molehills are from mountains made

—long enough and just so long

will being pay the rent of seem

and genius please the talentgang

and water most encourage flame

as hatracks into peachtrees grow

or hopes dance best on bald men’s hair

and every finger is a toe

and any courage is a fear

—long enough and just so long

will the impure think all things pure

and hornets wail by children stung

or as the seeing are the blind

and robins never welcome spring

nor flatfolk prove their world is round

nor dingsters die at break of dong

and common’s rare and millstones float

—long enough and just so long

tomorrow will not be too late

worms are the words by joy’s the voice

down shall go which and up come who

breats will be breasts thighs will be thighs

deeds cannot dream what dreams can do

—time is a tree(this life one leaf)

but love is the sky and i am for you

just so long and long enough

in the mail...

to whomever wanted to bless the socks off my husband... you succeeded. just joining us? here's the story...

for many months now bryan's been very vocal about the gear he wants:

a hardshell. goretex. taped seams. "general awesomeness." in other words... the arcteryx theta ar.

great honey. when i have 350 spare bucks, i'll totally do that for you.

oh and a wool base layer. to keep away the stink under the theta ar while scaling the heights of... rainer, shasta, adams, whichever i choose.

so in an anonymous package (someone has a very sick sense of humor. which we adore.) is the aforementioned items. oh the joy. we were smiling for an hour straight. the gift i wanted to give him but couldn't. thank you, Jesus. (and whoever let Him move through them.) happy birthday.

the only improvement would be a wintery mix background. we'll see about that in a few weeks. sierra nevadas hoooooooooo!

McReflections

I went to McDonald's for the first time in... ("a presence I've not felt since...")

Well, it's been like, forever.

You know what my favorite part about McDonald's is? Apart from its long-enduring iconic American presence?

The straws.

Bryan noted the maximum suckage capacity. I noted the colored stripes. Our drink was gone quickly. Is this to make us buy bigger drinks? Cause the small one that came with the $3 meal, truly is the smallest of all fast food restaurants. (Okay, so I only go to Jack-in-the-Box and In-n-Out. I have an affinity for hyphens. And $1 huge cheeseburgers. And cow that tastes like cow.)

One must assume that every centimeter of McDonald's and its products is brilliant marketing designed to make you want to buy more of their crappy food. It's the only way they've survived. The red and yellow and arches? They have magical powers.

Another fave of mine is the McJargon. We parked and ate rather close to the drive-thru. (Please be aware that I know this is spelled wrong. But drive-through looks heinously incorrect, yes?) These folks are die-hard McFans. What struck me was the utter seriousness of their use of "Mc" everything. While I asked for "the cheap chicken sandwhich and the double cheeseburger $3 meal thing", dudes talk very matter-of-factly into the intercom with a secret language. "I'll have a McChicken, McNuggets, Big Mac (apparently, according to the Tartans, Mc and Mac are interchangeable. Good for MacDonalds. I thought someone overlooked a major faux pas.) and a McDrink..." Okay I don't know about the McDrink. But you see my wonder.

i'd like to be where that guy is

Peekaboo peak

A man walks on top of Mount Saentis - 8,209 feet above sea level - near Schwaegalp in the eastern Swiss Alps, on Oct. 15. A large part of Switzerland was hit by a cold wave with snow and temperatures below zero.

Photo by Christian Hartmann from msnbc's week in pictures

think pink

let's consider the brilliant marketing that is think pink. how did they do it? someone should study that marketing model. then write a book. and give the proceeds to susan b. komen for the cure

has anyone noticed how susan b. komen is like, a household thing now?

i think about breast cancer when i eat yoplait yogurt.

i think about breast cancer when i watch football.

i think about breast cancer when i shop at macys

i think about breast cancer when i read cooking light.

i think about breast cancer when i buy riesling from cost plus world market.

i think about breast cancer when i drive down church creek (how did they get the traffic signs to say "think pink?")

i think about breast cancer when i use the toilet. (it's on the tp packaging)

i think about breast cancer when i when i walk at the river.

they meet

great grandma meets the little one...

there are three

last friday night was fun.
fun in the i'm-glad-this-pregnancy-thing-is-finally-over-but-i'm-not-sure-about-the-pain-level, sense.
suffice it to say the 30 minute drive south in a jeep in need of new shocks on a construction-hacked interstate 5 going 80 miles and hour while in transition was one of the most interesting moments of my life. the good news? i had no idea what was going on. the bad news? the nurse checking me in was skeptical about the stage of my labor. please stand on this scale (?!). please pee in this cup (?!). please place this glam tube top over yr belly (?! uh. no. i refuse.) i guess first time moms generally overreact? didn't have time to.
but really. i was fine. i felt much better than in the jeep. in fact. the contractions were quite doable by then.
oh. that's because i'm done. as in. get this girl into the l&d room now.
so much for the midwife. the birthing tub (rather filthy sounding, yes?). the 3 to 5 minute contractions lasting over a minute for an hour (the classic 3-1-1 was not heeded in any way.) the doctor. calling anyone but mom. time to get a handle on things in general.
very soon after i had a warm wet baby girl on my tummy. she smelled nice. and looked happy to be out.
nuts.
just nuts.
God is so good. we are so in love.

quality literature by a. a. milne

Ernest was an elephant, a great big fellow,
Leonard was a lion with a six foot tail,
George was a goat, and his beard was yellow,
And James was a very small snail.

Leonard had a stall, and a great big strong one,
Earnest had a manger, and its walls were thick,
George found a pen, but I think it was the wrong one,
And James sat down on a brick

Earnest started trumpeting, and cracked his manger,
Leonard started roaring, and shivered his stall,
James gave a huffle of a snail in danger
And nobody heard him at all.

Earnest started trumpeting and raised such a rumpus,
Leonard started roaring and trying to kick,
James went on a journey with the goats new compass
And he reached the end of his brick.

Ernest was an elephant and very well intentioned,
Leonard was a lion with a brave new tail,
George was a goat, as I think I have mentioned,
but James was only a snail.

cyclobenzaprine, acetaminophine, the pool, and me

chronic muscle and joint pain meet your nemesis. the dynamic trio, so to speak, has been found. 'cause apparently gaining a pound a week affects your joint somehow... it's like ultra-light backpacking your way through every moment of life. even the die hards get to take the pack off when they rest. and they get to carry it on their back. mine's right in the gut.
i've found the secret to sound sleep in the third trimester of summer pregnancy. it's not a/c. weird? it's a walk in the pool, 20 mg of flexeril, and 650 mg of tylenol. just wanted to share the wealth.

winter dish for summer

so here's a scrumptious little dish for the summer. summer 'cause it tastes good cold. and who wants hot food in the summer? not i, said the girl in redding.
first, a word on wheat berries. if you grind them, you get flour. per 1/4 cup: cal 160, fat 1g, carbs 35g, fiber 6g, protein 5g. okay. that's the word. (i hate it when people say, "first a word on..." and then they go on for eons about the subject.)
ingredients:
2 cups soft wheat berries, rinsed (you can also use barley, in a pinch, or i've used quinoa, as well. very yummy.)
6 cups water
2 teaspoons salt, plus more to taste freshly ground black pepper to taste Citrus Dressing grated zest & juice of 1 orange
1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
1 tablespoon minced shallot (or 3-4 chopped green onions)
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
3 generous handfuls of spinach leaves, stemmed and rinsed
1 cup toasted pine nuts 1/2 cup crumbled feta cheese (or any crumbled goat cheese)
how to:
put wheat berries in the water with the 2 teaspoons of salt, bring to boil, lower heat and simmer for about an hour (they should be plump and chewy... al dente, so to speak). drain. season with more salt, if needed. to make the dressing, combine the zest, juices and onions. (if you don't have the citrus, just add oj. i made it with orange mango juice and it was very awesome. would've been even better with chunks of mango in it!)
whisk olive oil and a pinch of salt & pepper. toss in with wheat berries, pine nuts and cheese. eat.
you can do this with any vinaigrette and nut really, (cranberry with walnuts, pear with pecans) and even basil dressing with tomatoes and corn in the summer. it's really versatile. and hearty. and yummy. pretty much like all the recipes in this hippy fun book. i highly recommend it. but watch out. it may educate you. you may actually change the way you eat and look at food... not a bad thing, right?
from this awesome book i highly recommend! Super Natural Cooking: Five Delicious Ways to Incorporate Whole and Natural Foods Into Your Cooking by Heidi Swanson

catholic angst

so, dane cook may have quite possibly the filthiest mouth and mind on the planet... but this is quite fun.

oh the propaganda

but seriously. have you seen young mothers these days? those poor souls. their poor backs. dragging the baby carrier everywhere. do the kids get bed sores?

apparently, they've invented a strap to drag around your baby carrier/car seat with. now you can have the 30 pounds in the shape of sharp-edged plastic smash against yr hip instead of yr knees. thanks ingenuity. yr on yr way up.

so on this blog i just read (this thingamajig guy is alright) he mentions that when you see this strap being used (you should check out the photo, it's pretty funny) there are two responses;

"Hmm, that’s really interesting."
The other group is looking at that photo and thinking, "What the hell is wrong with our society?"

basically yes, i'm the latter. and maybe it's 'cause i have a tweaked back and angry joints. but it just seems like lot of extra manual labor for an already taxing job (Lord love the little munchkin). why carry more than you have to? i know, i know, i'll just wait and see until my little one is sleeping and i don't want to awaken the quiet...
whatev. i'll let you know when i get there. but i'm going sling on y'all. AND i live in redding. bring it on. the heat, i mean... of an extra body. (it's only like, 110 ten here folks. it could be fallujah) at least i won't be retaining as much water at that point. oh sorry, was that too graphic? i'll refrain.
back to the subject line. many are very convinced they need like, thousands of bucks worth of baby crap. (target being some of them). oh i said crap. i'm going to give myself a timed test. in one minute, here are the things i can think of:
swing, table-top chair, booster seat, high-chair, pack-n-play, bouncer, walker, hangy-from-the-threshold-of-the-door-bouncer-thingy, crib, bassinet, jogger stroller, umbrella stroller, moses basket... okay time's up. (i'm a slow typer. i blame the hyphens.)
uh yeah. i don't have room for but 3 of those items. so i choose... crib, swing, and booster seat. ooooh and i can keep the umbrella stroller in the car. sweet! seriously. where am i gonna put all this? maybe i don't need a couch... Bryan will fight that one.



this if from the super cool national geographic website. i could spend hours there...

i fear me [subtitle: is this pregnancy?]

it's a sorrowful turn of events when one fears themself.
i made a soft boiled egg in the microwave. it exploded. twice. i swear it was only in there for less than 30 seconds.
to round out the protein i grab the juice and shake as settling may have occurred. the contents ended up occurring all over the counter, me, and the floor. one hasn't cleaned til they've enjoyed cleaning pineapple/apple/mango juice up from a porous floor.
i open my prenatal vitamins. cause i'm so healthy like that. how it fell out of my hand i'll never know. the pills flew in the wet sink, on the counter, on the ground. good thing they're cheap(?).
while attempting to butter bread the tupperware flew out of my hand and we all know butter never ends right side up.
i really considered not taking the freeway to work today. can you blame me?
i think i need a pet cricket. it worked for mulan.

are you kidding me?

An email asked me...

...if you died tomorrow, what would you want people to learn from your life?
If I died tomorrow I'd want people to learn joy from my life.
Joy in crisp wind, choppy water, dive bombing mocking birds, the way golden retrievers' hair looks like silken waves when they chase a frisbee, the warmth of a smokey ill-built fire, hot press-pot coffee from ethiopia when waking up cramped and sore after a night under the stars, seeing children's faces light up when they learn about how the nine times table works, their dropped jaw as a raven steals from a killdeer's nest, beavers floating in a half-frozen pond, the knowledge that someone has just met Jesus and have fallen at His feet is adoration, discussion about theology and how it's not a task only of ancient pedagogy to be thus dismissed, friends in far places that remember to write, red-winged black birds kareeking to each other among the cattails, knitting a warm hat for a little one to keep her ears warm, the touch and sight of natural textiles, the slubbiness of linen, the softness of alpaca, the strength of cotton, the smallest things like a nutchatch walking upside down on a tree, how themes are woven into novels, how butter makes things taste better, clothes that do things like insulate, wick moisture or keep rain out while not making you overheat, cars that don't break down, warm fresh-baked whole wheat bread, unconditional love, quirkiness, God being bigger than all your fears, truth, and hymns from scripture:

I know not why God's wondrous grace
To me He hath made known,
Not why, unworthy, Christ in love,
Redeemed me for His own.
But "I know whom I have believed
And am persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I've committed
Unto Him against that day."
~Daniel Whittle

house of mirth

i'm not sure who this edith wharton chick was, but she surely manipulated a web of mental constructs in my brain. this book, above titled, dare i say it, affected me.
i wanted to desperately to stay distanced from the heroine. like in george elliot's daniel deronda. i fully knew she was star-crossed from the beginning.
but of this recent tragedy... i was a tool. what shook me deeply was its realness: her repeated naivety and blatant disregard of her true self. the seeking of comforts and predictability over personal growth and friendship.
and its relevance: to cultural and social obsessions. to glittery items and fancy words that are vapors. to furies and furies that snap the neck against our better self-possession. the gradual separation between what we know is reality and the cultivated fabrication thereof.
don't be fooled by the title, either. this one's a tragedy. but well worth every page.
sigh.
i've started brothers karamazov. at least it's predominantly about men. i need a break.